losing steam...

So, it seems that my initial enthusiasm for "blogging" has started to wear off, and I have lately preferred taking a rest or catching up on my housework to typing on the computer. Considering that half of our keyboard here was picked off by the little computer bandit, it's amazing that I can type at all. (blame any typos on this)

Sometimes when I'm having a hard day it is difficult to think of anything interesting to write here, and I certainly don't want to write about how annoyed and frustrated I am, although I suppose it may help to put it all in perspective.

Sometimes I feel that if we don't stay on top of Jonah's behavior and start to get a little lax, he immediately starts to push the boundaries. He is testing us and looking for his boundaries all the time. Tonight he was crawling on the table and looking at me, enjoying my reaction (which I tried to keep neutral) I told him that he could sit down and eat or get down and go into his room. So he sat, for a while, and then tried it again. It is more and more apparent to me the importance of consistency with rules and routines. If I let him crawl across the table one time, then the next time I try to tell him not to do it will be twice as big of a battle.

A big issue these days is teeth brushing. Jasper does great, he lets me brush with a relaxed open mouth, it wasn't always like this. I see with Jasper that if you try to force something he reacts just as strongly in opposition. I suppose this is the case also with Jonah, because he was allowing me to brush his teeth for a while (I would count to ten) but now he screams and squirms and I basically have to restrain him in order to get his teeth clean. He wants to do it himself, but of course doesn't do a very good job, and honestly his teeth are not looking so great. I don't want him to get cavities, and he drinks a lot of juice! Yikes! I told Jon we have to go back to wiping his teeth with a cloth after meals when he gets his face wiped, but he may fight that too now.

I know that it is an important part of development to assert ones independence, but sometimes it is bordering on hysteria. Now Jonah won't wear jeans or anything buy "comfy pants", so ok, he wears sweats everyday, you have to pick your battles. But the teeth brushing is a non-negotiable issue. It is getting to the point that I dread bedtime because I know we have to listen to him scream and cry for a few minutes while I force him to get his teeth brushed. Not really a mellow part of the pre-bedtime ritual.

Jasper is doing great, he is being a very sweet big brother and usually stays calm when Jonah has his tantrums. We are getting back on the plan of helping Jonah go to his room to express his loud emotions by himself until he is ready to use his nice voice. The more we stay consistent with this plan and do it as soon as he starts, the better it works. He really is a sweet boy, loving and nurturing to his friends and family, he just gets possessed by the toddler demon sometimes and turns into a whining, clingy, wild thing! Anyway, back to Jasper, who doesn't seem to get as much press these days, because 'the squeaky wheel gets the grease'...

He is such a happy little guy, he loves his feldenkrais lessons, and his swim time, and he still seems to love his time at preschool. There are still some things that need to be worked out there in order to be sure that his time at school doesn't interfere with the work he is doing with Patricia Flora (our feldenkrais practitioner and learning specalist). We aree seeing his development continue slowly as his hips start to open up and he is getting a better sense of his lower back and head. It often seems like with both boys we take one step forward and two steps back, but we are slowly progressing.

This fetus growing in my belly is quite active and making her presence known. She is bumping all around all day and night, and I can't help but think, "it's three in the morning and she's awake, will she be awake after birth at this time?" She is nice and quiet for now, but I realize that it's going to make this busy family really full when she joins us in person. Jonah got to feel some really good kicks the other day, and the look on his face was priceless. It's like he really understands that there is a baby in there and she will come out and say "hi". Tonight he said "I want to feel the baby," and he put his hands on my belly (which is getting pretty big now). It was very cute, and he talked to her too. So sweet. I want Jonah and Jasper to feel really happy and excited about this positive addition to our family. I feel that we are so blessed to have these beautiful boys, and that another little miracle of life is just icing on the cake. I almost can't believe that we will have three kids (under the age of four) in June! Luckily we have lots of love to give and so do our boys and our families, so I'm pretty confident that this little being will have a happy, fulfilled, and successful life. So far the only people who have felt the baby kick besides Jonah are Oly and Sidra, so they are deemed honorary aunties!

I have so much to do to get organized before the baby comes. It still seems pretty far off, but I know that as it gets closer (and the baby gets bigger) I will be less able to do any major cleaning or organizing. So I'm going to try to get at least one big thing done per week, and slowly start scratching things off my list (as well as adding to the list as the weeks go by).

We are going to have to figure out sleeping situations, beds for the boys and who is going to get up with whom. I was hoping to have Jonah potty trained and sleeping in a toddler bed before the baby comes (ha!). Now those don't seem like realisic goals anymore, with only three months to go. We are planning to get a bigger bed for Jasper, and move his little bed into Jonah's room, and then give baby the crib. I don't know how this plan will actually play out, but I will try to document it, especially if all goes well :)

Well if this all sounds a bit like a to do list, it probably is, and I should get to bed and get some sleep (before the first wake up). Night night!

Flu-Bug strikes!

Jonah's first time with the flu.

JoJo woke up this morning and was not interested in eating anything. Then he started gagging and choking and throwing up what little he had in his tummy. I knew something was up when he woke up at 2:30am and was wide awake asking for books. He eventually fell back asleep, but was obviously out of sorts. I have never seen this boy so sick, he is usually pretty healthy, and even when he gets a cold he tends to be cheerful and himself most of the time. Today little JoJo has not left the couch, he is feeling a little better now, watching Pooh and drinking sips of pedialyte. He actually fell asleep on the couch, which he has never done since he was an infant.

I am hoping that Jasper is able to fall asleep and nap until Jon gets home, because Jonah has had bouts of being very needy of me. He wants to be held and petted and just sit with me quietly. Poor guy is so hot with fever, and obviously nauseated. If Jasper gets sick like this it will be doubly difficult, because he has less self-soothing ability, and can't tell us what is wrong. Although at this point the only thing Jonah really says is "No Thank You!" about everything.

I think about the future and what it will be like with three little ones. How to soothe everyone if they are all sick at the same time... or if I'm sick too!? It is scary, but I guess no one ever said that parenting was easy. There are definite pros and cons to being the one who another human relies on to comfort them. It feels good if you are able to make a difference, but it is excruciating when you can't make it better.

We are just going to take it easy today and hope that this flu passes, and doesn't pass along to anyone else. I'm going to go take Jonah's temp again and give him more pedialyte.

Jasper is still whining in his bed, no now he is crying. Oh boy!
I wish I had a magic wand to take all the pain away. Abra Cadabra!
This is when I want my Mommy!!

Here she is reading the boys a bedtime story...

Little naturalists

Little Slugger!

When pushing is fun!

It don't mean a thing, if you ain't got that swing!

We had such a nice evening last night. We all ate a healthy dinner together at dinner time (imagine that!) and then went for a walk on the bike path. It is so nice to live close to a place where we can all walk and not have to worry about cars and exhaust. Jonah is having fun learning about tree identification. He knows the redwood, oak, eucalyptus, willow, pine and blackberry bush. We collected a leaf from each, and a pine cone. We also found three different types of blossoms and put them in water, along with one beautiful daffodil. Jonah likes to tell me now that the blossoms will be fruit and we will eat it! It is fun to see how much Jonah will remember from day to day. He likes to go "crashing through the trees" because we went off the trail to take a shortcut home. Jasper also enjoyed feeling the trees and holding the pinecone, he loves to smell different things and listen to the sounds that we hear in nature.

Turn sideways to view our cache


Children seem to thrive out in nature. I love that at Jonah's preschool they go outside rain or shine, and they utilise the natural environment for play. Something as simple as a puddle is like a day at the carnival for a two year old. Jonah had fun today running around with the girls at school, and getting muddy.

When we got home from our walk last night Jonah and I made a fruit salad (yummy yummy), he helped cut the bananas and the strawberries. He was so happy to offer his fruit salad to Daddy and Oly when she arrived. (Jon gets to play basketball on monday and thursday nights, so he is always happy on those days. Big boys need their exercise too! )

The latest cool thing that the boys love is when Jon brings home a new football helmet. The little toy helmets come from a machine at the supermarket, and we have about 13 different ones now. Amazing how Jonah can name them all. Kids his age have so much memory space, I feel like mine is almost all used up!

The baby is moving a lot and doing well, growing happily. This morning Jasper held very still with his hand on my belly to feel the baby move, he got a big smile when she bumped!

We are looking forward to spring, swim lessons, more outside time, and visits from family.
Date night tonight- woo-hoo!!

Things are good at the G-house!

Trains, Planes, and Big Wheels

Jonah with his new trains on Christmas morning

Yesterday we went to the birthday party of our little friend Benjamin, albeit an hour late we did make it. (I am currently battling my back pain which seems to pop up in the most inconvenient times, and the only solution I have found that works is to rest- ha ha!)


So the party was at a toystore, and of course they had Thomas trains, Jonah was having fun at the train table, and I made the mistake of pointing out Emily- a girl train who Jonah loves (also our caregiver who he loves too.) Well this train is in the $20 bracket because it comes with a tender car, very cool. I would never have bought it for him, but in my weakened state, and not wanting to have a big ordeal about getting out of the store, it was our comprimise. He was so excited for Emily to come home with us, and join his other trains, he immediately went to the tracks when we got home and started playing. The highlight of the week perhaps.


Then when Jon came home from work we all went to the park, and Emily came too. When we all got back home it was discovered that, alas, Emily the train did not make it back with us. So two tired parents took turns scouring the park with a flashlight- to no avail. So sad, too bad.

A couple of lessons were learned here. First don't buy a two year old a twenty dollar toy that is small enough to lose. Second, don't take your special toys to the park. And third, make sure you keep track of your stuff when you take it out of the house. Oh well, I guess we will survive.


I did have a vivid dream however that I found the trains at the park, under a bucket in the sandbox and we were all so happy, I guess I was more affected by it than he was.
Is this pregnancy hormones or what?

Me with my mom (Patricia), Aunt Barbara, and sister Kim

at Christmas brunch-made entirely by Jon (the Daddy)

This week marked the arrival of Nana (my mom) and one of the boy's favorite people. She is back from her adventures in Bali, and we are happy she is home and safe. And we also said goodbye to Aunt Kimmie, my sis, who moved back to la la land after only two months in cold (and boring?) Sonoma County. Goodbye Kim, we'll miss you. Welcome home Nana.


Jonah talked a lot about Nana coming home on an airplane and I think he really missed her.


We decided to forgo gymnastics after all, and enjoy the beautiful weather and cost efficiency of the park. (Plus we had to look for Emily again.) I guess gymnastics was more of something I was excited about than Jonah, so we will wait a while and give it another try later.


Jasper is having fun at school, getting lots of attention from the little girls there. His sleep is still an issue with us. It's a little like a guessing game between Jon and me. If he sleeps well we say - "well he got a bath today", or "he didn't get the nose spray", or "he got two feedings before bed". If he sleeps terribly, then we say, "maybe he needed the nose spray", "maybe he didn't get enough food", "maybe the new supplement is not working". Maybe it's because I didn't wear my lucky red socks today. It's all so arbitrary and nothing seems to be consistent with a good night's sleep. We will consult the ruins, the tarot, the tea leaves and the horoscopes and see what we come up with.


(wink wink)

Now that the weather is nicer we are going to start taking some bike rides as a family (well we might have to figure something out for Jasper). I am thinking of getting one of those little bike trailers that goes behind the bike for the kids to sit in. I hope Jasper will tolerate something like that because then he could come along. Jonah wants to ride his big bike, but his little legs are still too short to reach the pedals, so he has adapted and likes to stand on the seat and ride it like a scooter. It's pretty cute, and he can get going fast! Let's hope that spring is here to stay, and warms us all up. We need some sunshine!!

Happy Sunny Day!

Too tired to type

Jasper sleeping peacefully- 2mo. old

I always knew I was not at my best when I'm sleep deprived, but an article in yesterday's paper made me realize how serious this thing really is. Most parents go through a period of sleep deprivation, and I know that many children wake up in the night, even after they are infants. I guess three years of inconsistent sleep really can be a physiological problem.....

The article says "studies have shown that inadequate sleep disrupts most of the physiologic functions in the human body, leading to an increase in cardiovscular disease, diabetes, obesity, strokes and cancer." they forgot to mention bitchiness, and memory loss.

It also says that "sleep deprivation can cause unclear thinking and impair decision making skills, eventually leading to psychosis and hallucinations." So that's what's wrong with me!!

I have been having so much fun with my boys in the day, the are complete loves, but when sleep time comes I have a much shorter fuse. I am going to save all the cute things they are doing and saying, (like Jonah kissing my belly over and over, loving the baby who is growing inside- he says she will come out and say "hi!", or Jasper having so much fun at preschool that it seems he doesn't need me to hover around all day...) and I will pray for a moment to close my eyes.

Yesterday I didn't write because the kids were taking turns screaming during nap time- they say you can't force a child to sleep, and I guess it's true. But I can hope and pray. Last night Jasper slept well for a change, and I'm still tired, so what gives? I guess I need a sleep sabatical.

Now Jasper's sleeping through the night is top priority, I can't get all those things listed above or how would I be able to keep up with the demands of my family? I've called the doctor and am even considering giving Jasper a shot of whiskey before bed.....JUST KIDDING! But I welcome any ideas at all because Lord knows that I need the sleep more than ever, and so does he.

That's all, I have no more to give.....pray for sleep. They are quiet now.... quick! to the couch!

Our extended family

I was just thinking about how precious this time is, when the kids are small and life is relatively simple. The cute things they say that I hope to remember are quickly lost to me when life continues and new things come up. For instance, Jonah one time told me that he had bees in his nose....and he calls scabs catipillars, I have no idea why. Yesterday when I picked him up from his nap he said to me, "mommy, I farted!" and then he said "change my diaper" well that's a first! I love being able to ask him questions and have him respond, usually, with an understandable answer. These days,per my request, he has been saying "No Thank You" instead of just yelling "NO!" I'm so glad that he is able to have a way to express himself without the constant and standard two year old answer to every question. Usually if the answer is yes, he will say "no...um... yeah!" The no is so automatic. We hear it with Jasper too, all the time, he says "uh-uh" and we are thinking, could he really be saying no that much? Well if he takes his cues from little brother it should be no surprise.


I want to help cultivate kindness in Jonah, and Jasper, to have good manners, use kind words, and to be helpful and grateful. Jonah is such a great helper, the other day I was just saying to Jon that I really needed some water, and JoJo said "my get it!" he ran into the kitchen, pushed his stool to the table, and came back with my water bottle, all without being asked! I loved that.

He is also so proud of himself when he gets to do little jobs around the house, he has this little strut and arm-swing once he feel that he has completed something useful, like getting me a napkin while I'm feeding Jasper, or does some sweeping or cleaning up. It's very cute.


I have to be more creative with things like putting away toys or puzzles, the other day I was helping him clean up a number train puzzle and with each number there are things on the train, and he was saying "my love butterflies... my love soccerballs..... my love turtles.....my love doggies....." and on and on with such enthusiasm.

It is so fun to see how the kids interact. Jonah was playing with some friends the other day (Samantha and D.J.) and Sam is a little older and very verbal, she was telling him things that I would say, and he would listen to her so well, and answer her back. It is great to see them having their little conversations without parental intervention. Samantha is also one of those amazing kids who really connects with Jasper. She wants to help with the tube feedings, and the other day when we went to visit she said "it's Jasper, my buddy!" He just loves getting attention from other kids, especially when they seem to understand him and, like Sam, get into his world and gently touch him, or talk to him closely. The smile and laugh that he lets out is enough evidence that he feels such a profound connection from moments like these. It's amazing to me how a two and a half year old can tap into what many adults are so uncomfortable with. Lucky for us we have a wonderful group of moms and kids who are all loving and accepting of Jasper to a degree that his disability is not really an issue, he is just Jasper, and that's how it should be.


Another example of this loving connection is our niece and the boys cousin, Sydney. Last time we visited her she was also very interested in doing the tube feeding. Jon would put a piece of tape on Jasper's clothes so she could have a place to put the syringe. She cozied up to Jasper several times to play and snuggle with him, and gently cupped his face to say hello or give him kisses. It was very sweet.

Cousin Sydney with Jasper

Jonah is very sweet with his brother too, and has recently been doing little exercises with his hands and feet. He will grab on to Jasper and pull on his hand or feet and say "up, and down" like we do. They are so funny to watch when they do play together and don't know I'm watching. The other day we were outside and Jonah was pushing Jasper on the swing and they were both cracking up. I was watching from the porch and thinking that here was another moment I never want to forget.


We are so grateful to have so many people in our lives, family and friends, who have supported Jasper (and all of us) with their love, time, and donations for treatments. It is because of all of these people that we have been able to give Jasper such opportunities and certainly there are more adventures to come as he grows and gets older.



Here are some pictures of our extended family, and some of the boys' favorite people!

Jasper with his Grandparents in Bakersfield

Jasper with Uncle Jimmy and Uncle Sammy

Jon and Jonah with Grandpa Chris

Jasper with Emily (above) and Oly (below), our fabulous caregivers!

These are just a few, more to come. We have so many people to thank that I can't begin here, but I do see what they mean when they say it takes a village to raise a child. So how many people does it take to raise three?? We shall see!

Patience is a virtue, Silence is golden

Jonah's favorite video right now is Songs from the Station, Thomas the Train of course. One of the songs is called 'Patience is a virtue', a good lesson for kids and their parents alike. Tired kids and parents have even less patience and it is more of a challenge to stay calm and cheerful when mommy has to go somewhere and the two-year old is tugging on mommy's pants yelling "no!"

Ultimately, I do have to go and don't like to be late for appointments, but I also realize that living in the moment sometimes means addressing what is the most pressing at the moment, the most important things are people, not things, or timelines, or even appearances.

So, I may seem like a flake, maybe a lot, but perhaps people will understand and adjust their image of me from someone who is constantly late, to someone who puts the needs of herself, and her family first, in order to have a happy harmonious household, and therefore is more productive overall. I hope so, but if not, oh well!

Although I am far from fully understanding or practicing this, I love the idea of living fully in the present moment. Not allowing the past or future to dictate my current state of action or being.

I think many people, including myself, have this sense of anxiety ingrained in them. We must be thinking ahead, about what could happen in order to help it or prevent it, or we must reflect on the past in order to be sure we didn't miss something, there is always something available to worry about in this mind-state.

When I try to experience this ideal, using silence, being fully in the moment, without thinking too much, it is very hard. But I see my little ones, and they do it without even trying.

If I ever do get to that place it feels so good! It's that feeling that Jonah must have when he is walking through the wind, jumping in the puddles. Or Jasper when he is cracking up about something that for no apparent reason is hillarious to him. Just being.... feeling the wind, being part of the water running down the gully, and the drops of rain dripping from the trees. Just being part of nature, which we really are, is so natural and organic.

I hope to give my children plenty of chances to feel this, and live in their bodies. They have the right to celebrate who they are without having to perform or live up to adult expectations.

That is where our patience is a virtue. We are the ones who give the examples by acting gracefully, using kind voices and words that reflect our intentions.

Jon said he had a realization, which is appropos to this line of thought. He said that children never really listen to their parents, so we shouldn't expect them to when they are teenagers (a time when they usually rebel), because they never did listen to us. What they do is imitate us. They are reflecting what we give them, not through our words but our actions.

How do we talk to the other adults in our lives? How do we deal with unpleasant surprises, or difficult situations? How do we show our love to each other, how do we take care of each other, of ourselves? All of these actions and attitudes are input to the children, we can talk until we are blue in the face but essentially they will do as we do, not as we say.

"Allow the child to just be without wanting to change them." Whatever is going on, allowing space for the yelling, the tantrum, whatever it may be. This is a message from the author of The Power of Now. I have a lot to learn from him.

Using silence is my next challenge. Seeing if things will work out even if I don't pipe up with the answer immediately, or try to correct or change things as they are going on. I know I do this unconsciously, and it's annoying to the people around me, but really I do it thinking I am helping, that I am preventing some future problem, but really I guess that often I am creating more strife by just interjecting when I could just be silent. This is a difficult task for me. So I decided that even though I'm not officially Catholic (I was raised by two former Catholics, and married one too, so it's my default religion) I will try to participate in the practice of Lent. I decided to give up talking. Obviously I can't always be silent, but I am trying to decide when talking is really necessary. I am not very good at this, as my very patient husband will attest, but I'm not giving up. Writing here is a good way for me to get out my thoughts and feelings without talking everyones heads off.... so thanks for listening!

I am interested to see how being silent eventually pays off, maybe my kids (and husband) will copy me and it will result in less whining all around! Let's hope :)

Anyway it's more fun to hear what everyone else has to say, especially when they say such cute things as "mommy, you need a kiss!"- yes, I do.

Cute Jonah, inclusion, and other thoughts

Saturdays are nice because Jon is home and we can split up and spend some quality one on one time with the boys. Sometimes we all go swimming together at the YMCA which is lots of fun but exhausting for all of us. I will try to get a picture on here of Jasper in the pool the next time we go because it is the cutest thing, he has a great time.

Today I took Jonah to Kidspot, an indoor play area, and we met up with some friends. They have fun there and are very occupied. JoJo will spend most of his time at the train tables, which is his favorite thing to do here too... trains! He makes trains with the chairs in the living room and we all get a spot, with a blanket and a pillow, and we all have to wear a hat. It's pretty funny. He also loves to make forts, if I have the time and the patience to make a good fort it can be the most fun for him, and Jasper loves being in there too.

Jonah's vocabulary and talking ability continue to amaze me as it expands every day. He has been working hard on pronouns lately. He mosly says "my' for I, but is starting to figure out how to say things correctly. Today I asked him if he had a wet diaper, and he said "no mommy, no wet diaper" then he changed it to "no, my diaper is not wet" then to "I do not have a wet diaper", well of course he did have a wet diaper, but I was very impressed with his evolving verbal skills.

Yesterday we had a little friend, Lexi, and her mom come over for a bit, I noticed that Lexi says my too "my do it!" it's so cute to hear their baby language. It's especially cute to hear them commnuicating with each other and figuring things out on their own.

Jonah has a new T-ball set that he got from his grandparents, and he loves it. He has pretty good aim, he says "hey batter batter batter swing batter!" he smacks the ball, then he throws down his hat (which is an essential part of his baseball game, we all have to be wearing hats) and runs the bases. Somewhere he has seen how the batter throws off his helmet, and it has to be upside down. When he gets back to "home base" he puts his hat back on, it's pretty funny.

Last night Jonah and I ate some thai food take out, he was loving it. He ate sooo much and enjoyed all the new tastes. It is fun to see how he responds to something new, and all the new words he learns just from introducing a new type of food. At one point we were counting peices of tofu, and he said to me "one and two makes three!". Wow! yes that is true. I don't think he really understands what that means but I thought it was really neat that he remembered that, although I'm not sure from where. He was so happy telling me that "after ten is "eleven!" and after that is "twelve" thirteen is harder to say so he usually skips to 16, 17, 19, "twentyteen!"

Speaking of learning, we are constantly refiguring our decision to send Jasper to Preschool.

The one he just started is a class for kids with special needs, although he is the only one with such involved and physical needs. The other kids can mostly walk and talk, eat and use the potty normally. Most of them are not obviously special needs, but they have something going on that qualifies them for the program. He loves to be around other kids, and the teacher and aids seem great. We are just wondering if he will be getting the best kind of learning and physical input if he is there, as opposed to staying home. My time and patience is somewhat limited, although I would like to spend my time with him all day on the floor, I do have another child, personal needs, and a house to take care of. It is nice to have help with these things, but it seems like there is always something to do. Jon is working with Patricia (our feldenkrais practitioner, learning specalist) on developing a ciriculum for Jasper that would help to guide and direct any person who is working with him in developing his brain connections and body abilities.

I see at school that they want him to be involved in doing things like the other kids do, such as art projects, etc. I don't really see Jasper enjoying this or getting much out of it, and I am learning about how a lot of the things we do with kids with CP are for us, the adults, to feel more comfortable. I also don't want Jasper to be left out of things because he has a disability, but there is a fine line between including him, and forcing him to try to do something that he is sure to fail at. No one likes to fail, and setting a child up for faliure can be damaging, even if we end up with a little assisted art project to hang on the wall. I care more about the process of the project and if Jasper is learning and enjoying himself, after all that is what arts and crafts are all about at that age. There are more important things for Jas to be learning like how to roll over, or how to push up, or how to get his hands in his mouth, hold on to something, or swallow different textures. A lot of the things he needs to work on will not be available to him in a regular classroom, or even a special one. The day moves quickly and is very scheduled, the things he learns best from come from slowing down and moving at his own pace, finding things that strike his interest and going with it for as long as he is engaged, and not trying to fit him into the mold of the "typical child".

So the question comes up for me, is inclusion really the best option? Or is it better to have a place where a child like Jasper can develop at his own rate, without the comparison of the other children. Even at home I see how a typically developing child can run the roost because they are verbal, demanding and requiring of immediate attention, while Jasper may be whinng, but he is not running toward the street or tugging on your pants asking for help with a puzzle or a toy. And for most adults, hate to say it, but it is more fun for us to play the way that Jonah plays. Granted that when you get into Jasper's world it can be even more rewarding, to make him smile or laugh, or to see even the smallest light go off as Jasper learns something new, is incomparable to our normal playtime, but it requires time, attention, and nothing else going on.

I have visited a wonderful school for kids with Cerebral Palsy in Burlingame called Avalon Academy (they have a website) and it is amazing. They use Feldenkrais methods (all the staff is trained in the Anat Baniel Method for children) and they also meet the educational needs of the children where they are.

The child with CP who is learning math but can't see well benefits from enlarged projection on the wall for instruction, the child who can't sit up alone is allowed to do an art project lying down, painting on the wall next to them. They have every technology available to them, yet they are allowed to be who they are, and get plenty of floor time, and a daily movement lesson. There is a feeling of love and community that I have never seen in a mainstream Special Ed class. When I asked the founders about the idea of inclusion or having the kids be around other "normal" children, one woman who is also a mother of a child with CP said something pretty profound.

She told me that she had the same concern, but that in reality the kids here were her son's real friends. They had other kids around visiting her other children, but that the ones who really shared a lasting connection were his classmates there at the school. They were kids who were all in a similar state of living, and undoubtedly share compassion and companionship through that.

They also don't think of each other as "different" they are all just individuals, who in a lot of ways are alot alike. This made a lot of sense to me and it seemed like the kids and their families were more able to focus on their actual strengths and abilities without an extraneuously implemented timetable.

This being said, I can also see a good argument for inclusion. Jon seems to be insenced by the forum he just attended and is excited to share his thoughts with me and the educational system.

I think that the basis of state funded education needs to be drastically changed before inclusion will be the best fit for someone like Jasper. But that this shift is really needed not only for kids with special needs, but for all children. The outdated system we have in place was based on the industrial revolution and designed to teach children to become factory workers, who listen to direction and not cause problems, hence don't think for yourself, or learn in your own special way. When I was getting my master's in teaching I was drawn toward more contemporary forms of education like brain-based learning and constructivism. These ideals can allow for passionate teachers and learners working together to create a new world. It can be so very exciting, if only our higher powers would support these amazing teachers who are doing things differently. The love of teaching is often beaten out of such wonderful educators because they are constantly battling the forces that be, and having to conform to the ways that are more comfortable to politicians and those that fund public education.

Even in my own limited experience with the public school system, and now with Jasper's placement in the public preschool, I can see the immense influence that the mighty dollar has on our kids opportunities. It's sad but true, and it makes me feel kind of sick to know that "school" is not always in the best interest of these emerging brains and delicatlely developing emotional systems.

I hope that the surge of change will continue and we will see a drastic difference in the way our children are educated in the next few years. I have a feeling though that it is going to happen, just not for a long time. Change is slow, but it is essential that we begin to match the changes in our world with how we teach our children to navigate this amazing new interconnected planet.

As they say "those who CAN.... Teach!" Horray for our teachers, they are certainly not doing it for the money, so let's give them our support in doing the best job they can given the circumstances. Good luck!

Exaustion and Overwhelm

Sweet little Jasper James. He is tired just like me because last night we were both awake from 2am to 4:30am, and then again at 5:30, clothes and diaper changes twice- then up for the day! We went to music class, but Emily was feeling sick so she went home, I thought I could be supermommy and take both boys by myself. It went pretty well, one boy in the wheelchair, one in the backpack, and don't mind my growing belly. We got there and Jasper was so excited to hear the opening song, he was kicking and jumping all around. I soon realized how tired he was though when he started crying at all the "bum bum's" (when the toys have to be put away) and when someone bumped into him, and again at the end of the class with the closing song.

Jasper is a really sensitive guy and he cries when he feels deeply moved, when other kids cry, or someone gets angry or hurt, or even sometimes at sad or minor songs. He is also very happy most of the time which I am grateful for. These days you can ask him to use his nice voice and he will. So cute. It is hard to be sleep deprived, for three and a half years now, with only a handful of full nights of sleep. Sometimes it's better to be awake because then I don't have to wake up!

I am treating this Blog (can't stand that word by the way:) like a journal, and will probably write something every day, mostly for myself, and anyone who is interested in how the kids are doing, and what life is like over here. Some days it is great and I want to share all the new things we have learned, new tactics we are trying with troubleshooting for both the boys, and cute things they said or did.

I suppose there will be days too, like today when I just want to write about it so I don't have to break down crying or take it out on my husband, (aaww poor guy).

I know there are people who are wondering what we are thinking, having another child, and they were probably the same people who thought that we were crazy when we were expecting Jonah (14 months after Jasper came along). But anyone who knows us and knows Jonah and Jasper will tell you that we are lucky to have both of them, and we are really doing fine. The hard things would be there regardless of other children, because even if you only have one child with Cerebral Palsy it is difficult. So the other children help to keep us on our toes, keep us up to speed with what life is all about when you are two, or three, and so far has been the greatest healing experience for all of us.

I personally think we are doing great. We have our challenges like everyone does with their kids, but actually we are pretty happy. We have instilled in Jonah a sense of order, he understands that when you play with toys they need to be put away before new ones come out, (I am always amazed when friend visit and the toys are everywhere that we actually own so many toys!). He helps out in the kitchen and getting things for mommy and Jasper. He is in his trying twos right now and showing us that he is a passionate and powerful person, but with positive redirection and lots of love and attention he can turn around what would be an angry tantrum into an inquisitive journey.

Jonah is very smart and expects to be treated so. This can be hard sometimes because it takes more time, and I am constantly trying to word things in a way that is not negative, (that would be positive huh?) Like for instance, "please sit in your chair" instead of "don't lay on the table" or "please leave those there" instead of "don't touch that" or "please use your words, in your nice voice" instead of "don't yell at me" of course the negatives are automatic and come out more easily but I find that things go so much more smoothly when I keep it positive, this includes my attitude and body language. There are times when a firm voice is needed, like "No! We do not hit people" but as always, not letting on that I am annoyed seems to be the key with him, the second he senses that he is getting to me, he increases the velocity. Okay, we will do it toddler way! I have surrendered.

Really I don't want to complain (although I do sometimes) because being a mom is what I have always wanted, for as long as I can remember. Yes, my oldest child has CP, and he can't do the same things other kids do, my physical, mental and emotional output is probably greater and my sleep is certainly compromised, but if you ask me if I would trade him for any one else, or exchange the things I have learned and experienced with him for a "regular" life, I would have to say "no way!" Jasper truly is a gift to us, and I have to remind myself of that fact sometimes, but mostly I am just happy to be a mom, and very grateful to have the unique kids that I have. I know they don't belong to me, and they will someday have their own lives (even Jasper) but for now, I am their protector and security, teacher, friend, and guide through this world. I just hope I can be the best mommy possible and give them all what they really need.

I realize that the things we want and think we need, or love to give to our kids; fancy toys, cute clothes, a nice house, a new car, and on and on, are really inconsequential to them. They just want us and our time, they want to feel like they matter enough that we will take the time to sit down and explain something that is hard, or validate their feelings and let them know they are always loved. They just want to be here and experience this life with us, and feel safe.

So, even through the haze of sleeplessness (no naps today either), I am trying to do my best, to stay calm in crisis, and to "use my nice voice" -most of the time.

(cue soundtrack: Don't Worry, Be Happy)

Jasper James

Jasper James

Jasper had his first two days of Preschool this week! He is going to Pine Crest Elementary in their special day preschool program. He did very well, he has a special chair to sit in and a tray

that goes over his lap so he can play with toys in front of him, he likes this. When the bell rings he thinks it's pretty funny! Jasper loves the little girls especially, one little girl was singing songs to him and he was very happy about that. After snack the class goes to the gym for adaptive P.E. Jasper likes to see the kids jump around and he can roll and play on a mat on the floor.

Today Daddy took Jasper today for his second day of preschool, and he decided he didn't need to stay the whole time, he liked the teachers and the kids and felt like it was a good place for Jasper. Jas loves circle time when they sing and play games and learn about shapes and numbers. We hope it continues to go so well!

Jasper is still going to Music Together and loving it. Last time he went with Emily and was singing and smiling the whole time, he loves his music teacher Colleen.

He is a funny guy, and if you ask him to use his nice singing voice he will sing for you or change from whining to cooing. He is really into his little brother, and likes to hear him sing his favorite songs. Jasper's latest musical favorite is "Shake your tail feather" by Ray Charles and the Blues Brothers, he squeals with delight when it starts and sings along.

Jasper is still going to Patricia Flora for Feldenkrais lessons twice a week, he is making progress little by little, and enjoying lots of new movements. He will be happy when his Nana gets back from Bali and spends her wednesdays with him again.

These days we are lucky to have two happy growing boys, they are both anticipating the arrival of their little sister, and like to hear about the things babies do.

2/21/08 Jonah Christopher

Jonah christopher

Today Jonah had his first day of Gymnastics!

He did great and had lots of fun, he is learning about listening and following directions, controlling his body, and taking turns with the other children. It was a small class so he got lots of turns, he did better than I expected, I was so proud of him and excited for him to be doing so well at something so new!

When we got home I let him help me put away the silverware and bottles after I washed and dried them. He really likes doing real and important jobs, and helping out Mommy and Daddy, he is also a big help to his brother Jasper. I realize that he can do a lot more than I ask of him, so I am planning to enlist his help in many of the household chores so that he will enjoy doing them and not resent it when he gets older. I am not using any kind of reward system, because I am hoping that the task itself will be the reward and will be for him just part of being in the family, rather than something he gets a sticker for.... especially because he has a ton of stickers at his disposal.

We have thomas the train stickers everywhere! When he puts one on his arm or hand he says "on my mano" or "on my brasso", he wants to know what everything is in spanish.

We have also been talking a lot about how to spell things, he likes to hear me spell all the daily words and now he is taking his trains and reading the letters on the bottom to tell me how to spell Thomas, Fred, Toby, etc. I have finally warmed up to the Thomas and Friends video because he loves it, and now I have the songs going on in my head all day and night!

Jonah started preschool recently, his school is called Frog and Rose Playgarden it is a small home-based school that is inspired by the Montesorri and Waldorf teachings. The class is simple and creative, the kids do baking, painting, outside exploring in nature, and lots of play. They all eat lunch together and use real glasses, utensils, and napkins etc. Jonah loves his teacher and the kids, and they all love him too. He is the youngest one so the older kids like to help him learn the rules and guide him. So far he has not complained once about me leaving him there, I hope it stays that way!