Exaustion and Overwhelm

Sweet little Jasper James. He is tired just like me because last night we were both awake from 2am to 4:30am, and then again at 5:30, clothes and diaper changes twice- then up for the day! We went to music class, but Emily was feeling sick so she went home, I thought I could be supermommy and take both boys by myself. It went pretty well, one boy in the wheelchair, one in the backpack, and don't mind my growing belly. We got there and Jasper was so excited to hear the opening song, he was kicking and jumping all around. I soon realized how tired he was though when he started crying at all the "bum bum's" (when the toys have to be put away) and when someone bumped into him, and again at the end of the class with the closing song.

Jasper is a really sensitive guy and he cries when he feels deeply moved, when other kids cry, or someone gets angry or hurt, or even sometimes at sad or minor songs. He is also very happy most of the time which I am grateful for. These days you can ask him to use his nice voice and he will. So cute. It is hard to be sleep deprived, for three and a half years now, with only a handful of full nights of sleep. Sometimes it's better to be awake because then I don't have to wake up!

I am treating this Blog (can't stand that word by the way:) like a journal, and will probably write something every day, mostly for myself, and anyone who is interested in how the kids are doing, and what life is like over here. Some days it is great and I want to share all the new things we have learned, new tactics we are trying with troubleshooting for both the boys, and cute things they said or did.

I suppose there will be days too, like today when I just want to write about it so I don't have to break down crying or take it out on my husband, (aaww poor guy).

I know there are people who are wondering what we are thinking, having another child, and they were probably the same people who thought that we were crazy when we were expecting Jonah (14 months after Jasper came along). But anyone who knows us and knows Jonah and Jasper will tell you that we are lucky to have both of them, and we are really doing fine. The hard things would be there regardless of other children, because even if you only have one child with Cerebral Palsy it is difficult. So the other children help to keep us on our toes, keep us up to speed with what life is all about when you are two, or three, and so far has been the greatest healing experience for all of us.

I personally think we are doing great. We have our challenges like everyone does with their kids, but actually we are pretty happy. We have instilled in Jonah a sense of order, he understands that when you play with toys they need to be put away before new ones come out, (I am always amazed when friend visit and the toys are everywhere that we actually own so many toys!). He helps out in the kitchen and getting things for mommy and Jasper. He is in his trying twos right now and showing us that he is a passionate and powerful person, but with positive redirection and lots of love and attention he can turn around what would be an angry tantrum into an inquisitive journey.

Jonah is very smart and expects to be treated so. This can be hard sometimes because it takes more time, and I am constantly trying to word things in a way that is not negative, (that would be positive huh?) Like for instance, "please sit in your chair" instead of "don't lay on the table" or "please leave those there" instead of "don't touch that" or "please use your words, in your nice voice" instead of "don't yell at me" of course the negatives are automatic and come out more easily but I find that things go so much more smoothly when I keep it positive, this includes my attitude and body language. There are times when a firm voice is needed, like "No! We do not hit people" but as always, not letting on that I am annoyed seems to be the key with him, the second he senses that he is getting to me, he increases the velocity. Okay, we will do it toddler way! I have surrendered.

Really I don't want to complain (although I do sometimes) because being a mom is what I have always wanted, for as long as I can remember. Yes, my oldest child has CP, and he can't do the same things other kids do, my physical, mental and emotional output is probably greater and my sleep is certainly compromised, but if you ask me if I would trade him for any one else, or exchange the things I have learned and experienced with him for a "regular" life, I would have to say "no way!" Jasper truly is a gift to us, and I have to remind myself of that fact sometimes, but mostly I am just happy to be a mom, and very grateful to have the unique kids that I have. I know they don't belong to me, and they will someday have their own lives (even Jasper) but for now, I am their protector and security, teacher, friend, and guide through this world. I just hope I can be the best mommy possible and give them all what they really need.

I realize that the things we want and think we need, or love to give to our kids; fancy toys, cute clothes, a nice house, a new car, and on and on, are really inconsequential to them. They just want us and our time, they want to feel like they matter enough that we will take the time to sit down and explain something that is hard, or validate their feelings and let them know they are always loved. They just want to be here and experience this life with us, and feel safe.

So, even through the haze of sleeplessness (no naps today either), I am trying to do my best, to stay calm in crisis, and to "use my nice voice" -most of the time.

(cue soundtrack: Don't Worry, Be Happy)